1) The Cabbage-Soup Diet
Cabbages. They’re not exactly the tastiest veggies on the block, are they? So it’s probably not a walk in the park drinking cabbage soup on the regular.
The Cabbage Soup Diet claimed to help you lose 10lbs in 7 days. Doesn’t matter that most of that loss would be water. And that they’re high in sodium. And they make you fart, fart, fart. No diet is really worth farting that much for. Not even if Brad Pitt himself stood in front of me in his birthday suit, a whip and knee-high boots and ordered me to go on it.
2) The Wu-Yi Tea Diet
It’s been boasted that with a combination of diet, exercise and frequent schlurps of the magnificent Wu-Yi tea, the weight magically drops off. Over 2 stones in 2 months, they say.
If you were to believe what these sites claim, Oprah’s been singing Wu-yi’s praises along with several other women’s mags.
But go to Oprah’s website and, errrrm, there’s no mention of Wu-Yi Tea. Not in her magazine either. And the thing is she tends to be quite big on promoting things she likes, from books to fashion and everything in-between.
I’m surprised she hasn’t sued anyone’s ass yet.
There is nothing Wu-Yi about Wu-Yi tea apart from the money it’s trying to milk out of people. Period.
3) The Grapefruit Diet
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not the grapefruit per se that helps you lose weight, but the effect it has on the tongue. I mean, grapefruits are bitter but quite sour, aren’t they? By the time you’ve gone through a couple of those babies, the sourness is bound to rub your tongue raw, surely. A raw tongue is enough to put someone off eating anything, let alone another grapefruit.
It’s still a STOOPID diet though.
4) The Cereal Diet
I’ve never understood the Kellogg’s Diet Challenge or whatever fancy schmancy name they call it from year to year.
This is how it usually goes: For 2 weeks, you’re encouraged by the good people at Kellogg’s to supplement two of your three meals a day with a bowl of cereal.
If it’s really in the interest of helping consumers cut calories, why don’t Kellogg’s suggest a healthy meal replacement besides ‘a healthy bowl of cereal’?
Nothing to do with lining pockets over at Kellogg’s headquarters, is it?
5) The Tapeworm Diet
Wish I could say this was made up but yep, you heard. It’s the tapeworm diet.
Doesn’t bear thinking about, does it? But let’s go there.
Basically, the diet involves consuming cysts taken from the carcass of a cow. It also sometimes comes in pill form. Once ingested, the tapeworm attaches itself to the host’s gut. Because it consumes a portion of whatever the host eats, weight loss occurs.
Disgusting. Wrong. Very wrong. Insane. Desperate.
I, my friend, would much rather suck on sugared vomit through a straw used by a homeless guy who hasn’t brushed his teeth in years AFTER he’s kissed his dog that just licked its balls.
6) TheAtkins Diet
If you love your fruit, your veg, your pasta, your bread, then forget about The Atkins Diet as it’s a low-carbohydrate, high-protein plan. So you’re encouraged to eat things like meat, eggs, cheese and butter.
People have lost weight on it. Lots of it too. However, whereas some folks have experienced extreme flatulence on the Cabbage Soup diet, The Atkins Diet is a case of constipation, sometimes for more than a week even when the recommended fibre supplements were taken. It’s got to be real painful when they finally do go.
Fibre supplements are all well and good, but fruit and veg is such an important part of the human diet that it doesn’t make sense to encourage people to cut back on it.
There can be further symptoms of being on the diet such as dizziness, nausea, headaches and insomnia.
Plus it can bring on an attack of halitosis in some people. Definitely not good.
7) The Apple Cider Vinegar Diet
Care for an aperitif, madame?
Apple Cider Vinegar. Vintage. 2002.
Mmm… apple cider vinegar. I’m salivating, I am.
The stuff is believed by some to be an appetite suppressant if taken 15 minutes before tucking into a meal.
The only thing I plan to use it for…
…is for sprinkling over my fish and chips. Now that’s what I call a diet! Yum!
8 ) The Lemon Water Detox Diet
At least with the Apple Cider Vinegar diet, you can eat something. For this one, it’s a mixture of fresh lemons mixed with water, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.
And if you’re lucky, you might get a little pink umbrella dunked on the side of your cup.
Why? Why? Why? (as I slam my head against the keyboard)
Apparently, Beyonce was on this vile diet (what’s wrong with you, woman?) and lost 20lbs in 2 weeks. But like Oprah and Wu-Yi Tea, what are the chances that she was actually on the diet? She loves her Southern fried chicken too much.
9) The Subway Diet
Yes – the same Subway place where some people rush to go and buy their sandwiches during their lunch break.
Yes, that Subway.
Jared Fogel lost 245 lbs after eating Subway sandwiches two times a day for a whole year. That’s a whole lot of bread …and money.
When Subway found out how much weight he’d lost, they featured him in their adverts which elevated him to celebrity status.
The thing is: it’s not really a ‘Subway’ Diet. It’s just a healthy sandwich that happened to have been made in Subway. It’s not the only place it could have been made. Fogel could have made his own healthy sandwiches at home and lost weight. So to call it the ‘Subway’ diet is a tad misleading.
10) The Baby Food Diet
Now, the last time I checked, I could have sworn baby food was for babies. It wouldn’t be called ‘baby food’ otherwise.
The Baby Food diet apparently started with some fruitcake called Hedi Slimane, a New York fashion expert (SLIMane? That can’t be his surname, surely).
He started taking the stuff to maintain his weight and it caught on from there.
Reese Witherspoon is said to have been on the ‘ga-ga, gu-gu’ diet. Jennifer Aniston too. (no wonder Brad left you, dear).
Whatever next? The Baby Milk Formula Diet? The Breast Milk Diet? I heard baby poo has very little calories content. How about trying that for your next diet, Hollywood?